This pretty much sums up what has been on my mind but I’ve never really wanted to discuss it openly until I read Rachew’s very dated blog post. I was pleasantly surprised at how much I could relate to her musings and how thankful I am to her for expressing her inner thoughts like this because wow, I never knew there were people out there who feel like this too.
if there’s one thing that those who’ve had long serious conversations with me are likely to know, it’s that i love to evaluate social circumstances, people, and most of all, myself. (narcissistic much?) i like to look back on things that’ve happened, what people/i have said, what little behavioral giveaways that people/i have exhibited, and the culminating significance in all these minute details.
i genuinely think that i am a rather objective person. or at least, i like to think that i often see things in a fairly clear 3rd party kind of view. i think i’m one of those people who are sufficiently self-aware, in that i can see myself and the things i do in a adequately neutral perspective. (in that when i’m being weird/bitchy/uninteresting, i know that i am.) naturally, my observation of myself can never be truly detached and free of bias, but i guess there’s always merit in the deconstruction, no matter how the process is skewed.
the general sentiment that most often occurs to me is that this perspective is one that is not too common, and though i may very well be completely mistaken, there is a sense of comfort in this egotistical, self-constructed truth that makes me feel like there’s more to me than just the shell of my existence, and that is one thing that is hard for me to step away from, no matter how fictitious i know it really is.